It was evident that Dave was not really listening to his wife either.  I imagined myself observing Dave in conversation with Mrs. Dave, and how he was twiddling his thumbs while she spoke.  Dave is an example of some people who last get their point across regardless of what the other person in the conversation has to say.  It was easy to see the problem in Dave””s marriage was Dave.

The sad part of all this is that Dave has already given up on his marriage and is merely waiting for his youngest child to reach the age of 18 so that he may separate and move on with his life.  Dave was adamant about the fact that children need both parents in the home in order to grow up well adjusted.  I tried several times to speak with Dave about re-associating himself to the reasons he chose to marry Mrs. Dave in the first place.  As usual, Dave tried to finish each of my sentences incorrectly.

Finally, I had to point out that he was not listening to me.  I cautioned him that this may be the start of the problem between himself and Mrs. Dave.  He was quick to point out that Mrs. Dave was not listening to him.  I explained to him that it was he who was not listening.  I gave Dave some information to take and share with his wife.  Just a little test to determine our Primary Representation System.

Primary Representation System

Each of us develops in ourselves a system that communicates to our brain world around us.  This system utilizes our senses to translate events, conversations, and observations.  There are different representation systems, most of us however utilize three of these and most often one of them becomes our primary representation system.

The three primary representation systems are:

Visual, that is the way we communicate is through what we see.  Things like colors, expressions and so on are how we perceive the world around us.

Auditory, the world around us is represented in sound.  Things we hear, noises that are made, all are used to determine what””s going on.

Kinesthetic, our understanding is determined by how things feel, such as textures, emotions and so on.

Learning to understand someone””s primary representation system will dramatically improve your ability to communicate with that person.  Knowing that you are a visual and your significant other is an auditory and then know ing the strategy for how to deal with them will greatly improve your relationship.  Visuals are highly animated when they speak, They””re all over the place, arms moving, voice at high pitch, using terms like “don””t you see?”  All of these things will drive an auditory crazy!

However, once you””ve learned the strategies necessary to communicate effectively with an auditory and begin to employ them, the quality of that relationship will improve immediately.  The same holds true when dealing with kinesthetics.  However, visuals and kinesthetics will usually drive each other crazy.  I can attest to this because my oldest sister is a kinesthetic.  Whenever she would speak to me I would be doing a million other things at the same time and most often would drift away from her conversation until I heard a pause at which time I would respond with a “huh?”  I””m sure that was frustrating for her, but there were times when I thought I was going to have to duct tape my head to keep it from exploding.

Being able to communicate effectively utilizing primary representational system is only one of the necessary strategies required to improve our relationships.  A very important factor is also to not question the intent of the relationship or to threaten the relationship.  Once you””ve been with someone for a while, both of you should feel comfortable that the other person is committed to the success of that relationship regardless of what may occur.

I have a friend, who is closer to me than anyone I can think of.  His name is Master Jack Elmore.  He is a seventh degree black belt in the martial art of Tang Soo Do.  We have known each other since we were kids.  We used to travel together all over the United States to compete in tournaments.  See attached picture  We have been through many of life””s events, leaning on each other in time of need.  Learning through each others experiences and supporting each other when we ventured into new areas.  Since he lives in Jacksonville Beach, Florida and I live in Tampa,  thanks to unlimited long distance,we speak on the phone everyday.  Now the reason I””m telling you this is to illustrate the nature of our relationship.  I know that Jack Elmore “has my back”.  That is, if there was something going on in my life and I needed help, all I would need to do is pick up the phone.  I have been blessed with several relationships like this.

Now if someone were to come along and inform me that they overheard Jack Elmore speaking bad about me, my initial impression would be that they miss understood the conversation they overheard.  Because I know that Jack Elmore has nothing but my best interests at heart.  The same is true for him.  We are friends, more than friends, we are brothers.  Neither of us would question the intent of our relationship.

I have similar relationships with my family, my wife, my sons all know my intent.  I would never knowingly cause them any harm, physically or emotionally.  I would never say anything unflattering about them to anyone.  If ever I had a problem with them about anything, I would take it directly to them and never discussed it outside of our relationship.

Thus, Dave should feel the same about his wife, and she should feel the same about him.  My advice to him earlier about re-associating himself to those original feeling he had when they first met was so he would see, hear and feel all of those emotions.

When first we meet a new love interest, we tend to do all things right.  We””re visual, auditory and kinesthetic.  After awhile we know longer do all three and our primary representational system emerges.  We must first determine what our significant other””s primary is, then take him immediate steps to utilize the strategies necessary to draw them closer again.

Too often people get together and begin a relationship based on their physical attraction.  Once the “new” wears off of their relationship physical attraction is not enough to keep them together.  Don””t get me wrong, the physical is great, but if your intelligence is not challenged, you will move on to other pastures.

Mastering our relationships can be a daunting task.  Most of us don””t spend time thinking about the quality of our relationships.  We just assume everything will be okay.  We pay more attention to maintaining our cars than we do our relationships.  If you””re interested in learning more about developing your ability to create rapport and communicate more effectively, pick up a copy of the book Instant Rapport by Michael Brooks.

In the meantime, listen twice as much as you speak.  That is the reason we have two ears and only one mouth.

Train Hard,

Manuel Cabrera Jr.

7th Degree Black Belt

Master Instructor

www.sidekicks-online.com

Each day for nearly 40 years I wake up in the morning, usually very early, and begin my day.  Some days I begin with martial arts training, then breakfast, and then I go on to the rest of my days business.  Other days I begin with business issues that require immediate attention.  Almost without exception my day involves some aspect of  Martial arts.  Either the physicalness of it or the spiritualness of it, teaching, writing or just speaking with others.  All throughout my life no matter what the situation, good or bad, martial arts have brought me a sense of grounding and helped me to center myself.  Martial arts training has helped to save my life in dangerous situations as well as given me the confidence to deal with harsh situations in both my personal and my business lives.

I know of a handful of others who, like me, train every day.  What is it about martial arts training that leads us to devote so much of our time to it?  Obviously we learn martial arts to prevail in an encounter.  We certainly don”t spend years training in order to be defeated.  However, martial arts training involves much more than merely learning how to win in an encounter or to injure or kill another person in battle.  In fact, throughout my life I”ve often heard it said that we train so we don”t have to fight.

A Japanese legend relates that centuries ago, there were two samurai who were closer than brothers.  As they matured and prepared to embark on their musha shugyo, the customary travels to perfect their skills, it was apparent that their paths would separate for many years.  So, before departing they met by a quiet stream and vowed to meet again on that very spot 12 years later to share tales of their training and exploits.  Just as they had vowed, they returned to the bank of the stream on that very day 12 years later; but found that a recent rain has swollen the gentle stream into a raging torrent, barring their way to the exact spot of their last meeting.

Determined to live up to the letter and spirit of his vow, and to demonstrate the incredible skills he had mastered during their 12 year separation, one samurai dashed to the river and made a spectacular leap that carried them over the deadly current and safely to the other side.  The jump far exceeded today”s Olympic records, and should have amazed his friend.  Instead, the other samurai calmly walked a few paces upstream and hired a boatman to row him across for about $.50.  The skills one man spent a lifetime of sacrifice and dedication to develop could be duplicated effortlessly for a few pennies.  Similarly, if our goal is merely to kill people, we can simply purchase a gun, rather than invest years of training.

In Japanese swordsmanship there is a saying: “Kachi wa saya no naka ni ari”, which translated means, “victory comes while the sword is in the scabbard”.  The great Chinese tactician Lao Tsu said that the highest principle in the Art of War is to win without a battle.  This is the true ideal as embodied in the Chinese ideograms for “martial art”.

So the higher purpose of martial arts training is to develop the mind and spirit of a warrior, and attitude and strength of character that wins the battle before it begins.  This is no simple matter to achieve.  It takes years of daily training to cultivate these attributes and to rid oneself of attitudes and reactions, such as anger, fear, selflessness, jealousy, and hate, all of which are counterproductive or self-destructive.

Japan”s most famous and revered samurai, Miyamoto Musashi, once asked his young disciple, Jotaro, what his goal in life was.  Without hesitation, the teenager replied, “to be like you”!  “Your goal is too small,” Musashi scolded him.  He went on to admonish his student to “aspire to be like Mt. Fuji”, he explained, “you can see all things clearly.  And you can see all the forces which shape events; not just the things happening near you.  You should train to become like a boulder,” Musashi told Jotaro, “with most of your strength hidden and so deeply rooted that you are immovable.  And yet so powerful that what can be seen will make men cringe to walk in your shadow”.  This, Musashi felt, was the ultimate goal of training, to be so highly skilled and mentally developed that your mere presence was intimidating and no man would dare challenge you.  And, indeed, Musahi reached, even exceeded, this level of personal development during his colorful life.  Clearly, someone this highly trained will have to fight few, if any, battles to achieve his life”s victories.

We speak of battlefields whether they be real or in the business world, martial arts training prepares us for both.  We hone our skills much like a swordsmith creates a fine weapon from raw steel.  The process of that creation involves many hours of pounding with a hammer after being immersed in fire until red hot, finally to be thrust into icy water for the tempering of that steel so that it might hold the sharpest edge.

So it is in our training, that we spend hours in repetitive work to hone our skills.  We face pounding not from hammers but from our classmates and teachers who all combined, are like a swordsmith.  We are tempered by our discipline and the victories and disappointments we face along the way.

We train in the martial arts to develop our own abilities to deal with problematic situations should they arise.  Yet throughout, we hope that we will never need to utilize that training for self-defense.  The confidence and self discipline we develop as a byproduct of that training we will use every day of our lives.  I look forward to each morning and what it will bring.

Train Hard.

Manuel Cabrera Jr.

7th Degree Black Belt

Master Instructor

The Code

When I was a young man knew to the martial arts one of the things that attracted me was the historical aspects of the martial arts.  I was fascinated by the story is of warriors from the past.  Old movies such as Ivanhoe, El Cid and others would entertain me for hours on end.

One particular group that attracted me for the warriors from ancient Japan known as samurai.  I found the stories of their adventures to be exciting and it inspired me to seek out martial arts instruction.  After I began my martial arts training I discovered that much of the training involved more than just the physical.  Ancient warriors had to be well disciplined in order to accomplish the great feats of courage, bravery, and honor.

The samurai are the legendary armored swordsmen of Japan, known to many westerners only as a warrior class, depicted in countless martial arts movies. While being a warrior was central to a samurai””s life, they were also poets, politicians, fathers and farmers. Samurai played a pivotal role in the last 1,500 years of Japanese history. In fact, the history of that period in Japan essentially is the history of the samurai.

What is a Samurai?

The samurai served many functions in Japan. However, the role in which they are best known is that of warrior. But what is it that makes a samurai different from other warriors in other parts of the world? Wearing armor and using a sword is not enough to make someone into a samurai.

Although the samurai and the role they played in Japan changed throughout the centuries, there are four factors that define the concept of the samurai:

1.The samurai is a well-trained, highly skilled warrior.

2.The samurai serves his master, with absolute loyalty, even to the death. In fact, the word samurai means, “those who serve.”

3.The samurai is a member of an elite class, considered superior to common citizens and ordinary foot soldiers.

4.The samurai””s life is ruled by Bushido, a strict warrior code emphasizing honor.

I felt these ideals were worthy of emulation.  The self-discipline required to perfect my martial arts moves had to constantly be tested.  Ultimately, my most difficult opponent was myself.  Much later, when I began to teach martial arts, I would adapt much of the ancient samurai teachings and principles into my own programs.  As a result of many years of research I discovered the “Seven Precepts of Bushido”.

I found these precepts best described what we later called “Black Belt Excellence”, which is a phrase we use to describe our constant drive toward becoming a better black belt and person.  Some of these precepts might seem a bit extreme especially if they are not training in the martial arts.  However, it doesn””t take long to find that these ideals will spill over into the students everyday life.  Once that happens the student will see improvement in all areas of their life.

Much of what we describe in these precepts deals with life and death which to samurai was sometimes a daily occurrence.  In today””s society however, we are teaching many more children to become better people through the development of their martial arts and character building which goes hand-in-hand with that training.

The four-hour current adult students and those children who continue to train into higher ranks the code becomes more realistic for them as they pursue life in the business world.  That same discipline that allowed the samurai to face his own mortality may come in handy in business situations that are difficult or problematic.

Not to mention the self-defense aspects, which require the student to be mentally as well as physically prepared in the event that they should need to defend themselves or their loved ones.  The Seven Precepts of Black Belt are as follows:

Seven Precepts of Black Belt

From the Traditional precepts of Bushido

“A Black Belt does what he believes is right, even if he dies by it. He cannot be bought, because he values respect above money. He cannot hide from himself. He is a free man, but he knows that freedom without honor is barbarity. And when his life is over, if he has honor, he can look at God and say ””I tried to do Right.”””

Honesty and Justice (Gi)

Be acutely honest throughout your dealings with all people.  Believe in justice, not from other people, but from yourself.  To the true Black Belt, there are no shades of gray in the question of honesty and justice.  There is only right and wrong.

Complete Sincerity (Makoto)

When a Black Belt has said he will perform an action, it is as good as done.  Nothing will stop him from completing what he said he would do.  He does not have to “give his word.”  He does not have to “promise”.  Speaking and doing are the same action.

Polite Courtesy  (Rei)

Black Belts have no reason to be cruel.  They do not need to prove their strength.  A Black Belt is courteous, even to his enemies.  Without this outward show of respect, we are nothing more than animals.  A Black Belt is not only respected for his strength in battle, but also by his dealing with other men.  The true strength of a Black Belt becomes apparent during difficult times.

Compassion (Jin)

Through intense training the Black Belt becomes quick and strong.  He is not as other men.  He develops a power that must be used for the good of all.  He has compassion.  He helps his fellow man at every opportunity.  If an opportunity does not arise, he goes out of his way to find one.

Heroic Courage (Yu)

Rise up above the masses of people who are afraid to act.  Hiding like a turtle in a shell is not living at all.  A Black Belt must have Heroic Courage.  It is absolutely risky.  It is dangerous.  It is living life completely, fully, and wonderfully.  Heroic Courage is not blind, it is intelligent and strong.

Duty & Loyalty (Chu)

For the Black Belt, having done some “thing” or said some “thing,” he owns that “thing.”  He is responsible for it, and all the consequences that follow.  A Black Belt is immensely loyal to those in his care.  To those he is responsible, he is fiercely true.

I hope you find this useful and can apply it into your own life.

Train Hard,

Manuel Cabrera Jr.

7th Degree Black Belt

Master Instructor

www.theblackbeltsguide.com