At the end of one of my adult classes last night I overheard one of my students speaking to another student about the trouble he was having in his marriage. I noticed that while the other student would speak, this student, we””ll call him Dave, wasn””t really listening to what the other student had to say, he was just waiting for his next opportunity to speak. Dave would try and finish sentences, most often incorrectly. This was another sign that Dave was not really listening but waiting to express his opinion.
It was evident that Dave was not really listening to his wife either. I imagined myself observing Dave in conversation with Mrs. Dave, and how he was twiddling his thumbs while she spoke. Dave is an example of some people who last get their point across regardless of what the other person in the conversation has to say. It was easy to see the problem in Dave””s marriage was Dave.
The sad part of all this is that Dave has already given up on his marriage and is merely waiting for his youngest child to reach the age of 18 so that he may separate and move on with his life. Dave was adamant about the fact that children need both parents in the home in order to grow up well adjusted. I tried several times to speak with Dave about re-associating himself to the reasons he chose to marry Mrs. Dave in the first place. As usual, Dave tried to finish each of my sentences incorrectly.
Finally, I had to point out that he was not listening to me. I cautioned him that this may be the start of the problem between himself and Mrs. Dave. He was quick to point out that Mrs. Dave was not listening to him. I explained to him that it was he who was not listening. I gave Dave some information to take and share with his wife. Just a little test to determine our Primary Representation System.
Primary Representation System
Each of us develops in ourselves a system that communicates to our brain world around us. This system utilizes our senses to translate events, conversations, and observations. There are different representation systems, most of us however utilize three of these and most often one of them becomes our primary representation system.
The three primary representation systems are:
Visual, that is the way we communicate is through what we see. Things like colors, expressions and so on are how we perceive the world around us.
Auditory, the world around us is represented in sound. Things we hear, noises that are made, all are used to determine what””s going on.
Kinesthetic, our understanding is determined by how things feel, such as textures, emotions and so on.
Learning to understand someone””s primary representation system will dramatically improve your ability to communicate with that person. Knowing that you are a visual and your significant other is an auditory and then know ing the strategy for how to deal with them will greatly improve your relationship. Visuals are highly animated when they speak, They””re all over the place, arms moving, voice at high pitch, using terms like “don””t you see?” All of these things will drive an auditory crazy!
However, once you””ve learned the strategies necessary to communicate effectively with an auditory and begin to employ them, the quality of that relationship will improve immediately. The same holds true when dealing with kinesthetics. However, visuals and kinesthetics will usually drive each other crazy. I can attest to this because my oldest sister is a kinesthetic. Whenever she would speak to me I would be doing a million other things at the same time and most often would drift away from her conversation until I heard a pause at which time I would respond with a “huh?” I””m sure that was frustrating for her, but there were times when I thought I was going to have to duct tape my head to keep it from exploding.
Being able to communicate effectively utilizing primary representational system is only one of the necessary strategies required to improve our relationships. A very important factor is also to not question the intent of the relationship or to threaten the relationship. Once you””ve been with someone for a while, both of you should feel comfortable that the other person is committed to the success of that relationship regardless of what may occur.
I have a friend, who is closer to me than anyone I can think of. His name is Master Jack Elmore. He is a seventh degree black belt in the martial art of Tang Soo Do. We have known each other since we were kids. We used to travel together all over the United States to compete in tournaments. See attached picture We have been through many of life””s events, leaning on each other in time of need. Learning through each others experiences and supporting each other when we ventured into new areas. Since he lives in Jacksonville Beach, Florida and I live in Tampa, thanks to unlimited long distance,we speak on the phone everyday. Now the reason I””m telling you this is to illustrate the nature of our relationship. I know that Jack Elmore “has my back”. That is, if there was something going on in my life and I needed help, all I would need to do is pick up the phone. I have been blessed with several relationships like this.
Now if someone were to come along and inform me that they overheard Jack Elmore speaking bad about me, my initial impression would be that they miss understood the conversation they overheard. Because I know that Jack Elmore has nothing but my best interests at heart. The same is true for him. We are friends, more than friends, we are brothers. Neither of us would question the intent of our relationship.
I have similar relationships with my family, my wife, my sons all know my intent. I would never knowingly cause them any harm, physically or emotionally. I would never say anything unflattering about them to anyone. If ever I had a problem with them about anything, I would take it directly to them and never discussed it outside of our relationship.
Thus, Dave should feel the same about his wife, and she should feel the same about him. My advice to him earlier about re-associating himself to those original feeling he had when they first met was so he would see, hear and feel all of those emotions.
When first we meet a new love interest, we tend to do all things right. We””re visual, auditory and kinesthetic. After awhile we know longer do all three and our primary representational system emerges. We must first determine what our significant other””s primary is, then take him immediate steps to utilize the strategies necessary to draw them closer again.
Too often people get together and begin a relationship based on their physical attraction. Once the “new” wears off of their relationship physical attraction is not enough to keep them together. Don””t get me wrong, the physical is great, but if your intelligence is not challenged, you will move on to other pastures.
Mastering our relationships can be a daunting task. Most of us don””t spend time thinking about the quality of our relationships. We just assume everything will be okay. We pay more attention to maintaining our cars than we do our relationships. If you””re interested in learning more about developing your ability to create rapport and communicate more effectively, pick up a copy of the book Instant Rapport by Michael Brooks.
In the meantime, listen twice as much as you speak. That is the reason we have two ears and only one mouth.
Train Hard,
Manuel Cabrera Jr.
7th Degree Black Belt
Master Instructor